timreid

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 01:26:13 GMT

Dear Tim Reid,

Ever since I first met your son, I knew that he was something special. I understand that you and him didn't always get along, but I believe that you know what I mean when I say your son is unique and beautiful. He is the fruit of your loins, afterall. Anyway, after his death, I noticed a gaping void in my life that Tim Reid Jr. had filled so completely. What can I do to overcome my grief and find solace in these trying times? I have tried to eat away my pain with Hot Pockets, but even they cannot heal these wounds.

Your Everloving Typewriter Child,
XXXXY

I receive many kind letters and subpoenas regarding my son. He was a special boy with a special brain. I, Tim Reid, too have had problems with filling the void in my life he has left. I suggest you do as I did and hire an attractive 14 year old Taiwanese boy to fill the empty position in your limowscene company or, in your case, the empty spot in your black heart. In time, you will realize a young Asian is much more reliable and grateful for the 3 dollars a day you pay him.

Tim-
I am a twenty-something pseudo-music producer trying to make my way into the entertainment industry by spending all my time trying to be cool on the internet. I remix the tracks of my favorite artists, but for some reason they refuse to listen or endorse them because I violate their copyright and because my mixes are deemed derivative and pedestrian. What do I do to make my mark in this world so I can become actually famous?

I, Tim Reid, was once in your position. As a young light milk chocolate brown actor in the 70s, many doors were shut in my face because they did not realize that I would one day become a multi-nominated NAACP Image Award nominee. I am not familiar with what a remix is or how exactly one becomes famous for it. How does this work? No one asks you to make a remix, but you do so anyway and then hope it will eventually earn you money? That does not sound like a good business plan. My advice to you is the advice that I give to many struggling and pathetic wannabes, get a commercial drivers license and become a limowscene driver. With a little luck, you will be the driver for a famous celebratie on their way to an awards ceremony and they will commission you to be their seat filler. That is how it all started for me, Tim Reid. And it can start that way for you, provided you are as good looking and talented as I am. Unfortunately, I suspect you are not, so I wish you best of luck in being nobody for the rest of your life. At least you will always have the internet, unless you make a very unwise decision and lose your community of kissasses to some trolls.

My hot pockets frequently spill outside of the pocket while heating them. How can I get the delicious insides to STAY inside?
Also please list your top three favorite flavors.

I have devised a patent pending Hot Pocket content holder-inner to solve this problem. For legal reasons, I cannot divulge the specifics of this life changing innovation or my favorite Hot Pocket flavors that are best compatible with this device. Please just be patient and keep an eye out on the 2 am basic cable infomercials for its release. Also, save up the necessary $49.95 plus shipping and handling for purchasing this item.

is it normal for a guy to want to kiss another guy?
I'm scared. But also excited. But also scared.

This is not normal. Male human beings were designed by God to insert his penis into the vagina of an immobile female. If you cannot fight these urges through the aid of gang rape pornography and Jesus, I advise you join the clergy. Many fine men have been converted to viable heterosexual members of society by serving God in the Catholic church.
Tim Reid,

How do I woo a guy I've liked for years away from his clingy fat ugly girlfriend?

Obviously, this gentleman has a type of woman that he prefers to insert his penis into the vagina of. Rather than fight against the natural urges of this man, why do you not change your appearance and personality to completely suit what he wants? Make yourself even uglier and fattier than his current girlfriend and he will naturally flock to you. To perform this life change for a man is the greatest accomplishment a woman can make. My wife, Daphne Reid, knew of my attraction to invalid garage dwellers. Like any competent woman who doesn’t want to die alone, she changed herself and lifestyle to suit what I desired.

there is this nice boy I like
he's going to medical school
but I've only met him and know of him through mutual friends

I know he works at a hospital

should I injure myself so I can be sent to his hospital and he can work on me?

I am always surprised by the number of vagina owners who seek my guidance on how to obtain a man. Perhaps, I just can’t put myself in the place of someone who cannot get every single human being they could ever fit into their busy acting schedule. But, I vowed to advise the misguided youth of the electron transmission age so I shall. If you must injure yourself, make sure to not mar yourself on the face or bosom. If this young man has medical specialty, make sure to injure yourself in the proper region to insure that he is your physician. For example, if he is a proctologist, engage in violent anal sex until you obtain the necessary lesions to require medical attention. It’s just that simple.

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 06:36:26 GMT

Why do people insist on insulting the woman I love? Doctors, nurses, gardeners - they all feel the need to comment on my sick wife and her various boils. It was bad enough before, but now I must deal with typewritter children on the internet insulting my one true love, Daphne Reid?

I am disgusted to be a member of ONTD because of this.

She was the greatest Vivian Banks of any of the 4 women who performed in that role. Of course, my wife, Daphne Reid, has aged less fantastically than I have. I am a light milk chocolate brown God. My wife, Daphne Reid, is very sick and she may not have very much time left. The doctors have said that she only has 80 -90 months left of precious time on this earth, and I will cherish every second of it. And I will not stand for anonymous electrons junkies on internet community communication journals debasing her with subjective opinions.

Do you know how hard it is for my wife to leave the house? For months she gathered the hair from her hairbrushes and shower drains in order to comission a wig. She struggled for hours with the locks in the garage. How dare you, typewritter children. how dare you.

Be ashamed of what you say. Be ashamed of what you do. Be ashamed of what you are.

I will be accepting written and public apolowgeeze from all of you.

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 01:13:15 GMT

In this internet chat communication window world, I have seen many a children become lost and lead astray. Because the world has given so much to me and made me such a notable celebratie, I, Tim Reid, have decided to give back and offer advice to the pathetic typewritter children of this world and perhaps others. Please leave your questions and confusions here for me and I will respond with my worldly knowledge of all that is decent and articulate.

This is anonymous and electronically hidden in other people's windows. Only my chat communication window will see what you type. I will respond shortly after I water my wife.

Sincerely,
Tim Reid

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 09:16:11 GMT

I would like to rebegin this journal with a summary of facts and attributes that were attributed to my life which are simply not true.

1) I am black.
I actually suffer from a condition that is similiar to albinoism except that is the reverse. Both my mother and father were white and gentle people. This explains why I am so well mannered and educated. When I began to pursue my acting career, every single casting director I met with simply refused to believe that I was a white male and they began to cast me in black male roles. Even though, I was completely unaware of black vernacular and posture, I decided to go along with this misperception because it was the only way I would get any work. I was deeply afraid of living as a poor and seemingly black man, so I made compromises. I have apologized to the black community over and over again for my mistakes. I have not been forgiven.

2) I prefer the company of white women from time to time.
While I appear to be black man and am actually white, my male genetalia was born black. It will not go back. I have tried and tried to procreate with the white ladies and my genetalia simply will not cooperate. It is physically impossible for me to have sex with white women.

3) I have raised a miserable failure in Tim Reid Junior.
My true and real son, Tim Reid Junior, is a proud half black, half reverse albino white man. That may have resulted in him being light milk chocolate brown as the trolls descriptions depicted him, but that is the only thing the miserable failure livejournaler was able to get correct. In reality, my son Tim Reid Junior, is 39 years old. He does not have a commercial license to drive and he has never worked for a limosine company that I officially own. He is a very accomplished actor and backgroud scenic actor. I regret that he is not able to defend himself in this venue along with me, but he is currently quite busy working as a background scenic actor in Orlando on several high-profile Disney Channel Movies.

4) I had a sexual relationship with Raven Symone
While Ms. Symone is a lovely young lady, I have always been sexually true to my wife Daphne Reid. I was lucky enough to work with Ms. Symone on her Disney Channel television show, as was my son Tim Reid Junior (as a background scenic actor). However, nothing impure happened between Ms. Symone and myself and she would corroborate all of this if she would return my phonecalls.

5) I am financially dependent on my invalid wife, Daphne Reid.
Oh, my friends, if you only you could see the beautiful Mrs. Daphne Reid in person you would see how vivacious and fantastic this miracle of a woman is! I checked yesterday to see if she has all her fingers, and yes she does. I will continue to check and give you updates.
As a prolific actor with many several (or two) successful TV shows under my belt, I am financially dependent on no one. Also, as a white man, I have invested my money wisely. The days of fearing that I would end up a seemingly black hobo on the streets of Wichita are far behind me.

6) I had a sexual relationship with Jackee Harry.
Unfortunately, even a white man has needs. At a low point in my marriage to Mrs. Daphne Reid, I fell prey to temptation. It is impossible to be around such white hot blackness that is Jackee without being tempted. One night, my wife Mrs. Daphne Reid, was busy working late on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Jackee and I were in the my well furnished study running Sister Sister lines and sipping Turning Leaf Chablis wine. This particular Sister Sister episode was about Tamara being blackmailed by a mall security guard into having sex him with after he caught Tia stealing a Cinnabon. Needless to say, this hot WB script got us all worked up. Jackee and I went to mutual third base, but we did not go all the way. That is not technically a sexual relationship and that is all I need to explain to you!

7) I have aspirations to be the 11th Doctor Who.
I have never seen nor heard of Doctor Who. I only watch shows that are on the WB, UPN, CW, BET, or Game Show Network.

With these facts, I hope you have learned more about me, Tim Reid. I am just your average reverse albino white man who is loyal to his wife except when it comes to Jackee Harry. I am honored that you and the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Internet Crime Division have given me this chance to share myself with you.

Sincerely yours,

Tim W. Reid

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 23:04:22 GMT

Dear internet,

It has come to my attention that some white girl created a livejournal account and posed as me and my son on the internet. I have since located her and her accomplice and commandeered this livejournal account. I am a man of integrity and I do not consume mass quantities of Hot Pockets nor own mid-sized luxury transportation companies. I do not use words and phrases such as "typewriter children" and "limowscene." I am a classically educated man and my goals are merely to bestow quality family entertainment on the universe, and encourage the misguided colored youths of this nation to vote. My son is not dead and I am Tim Reid. I will use this livejournal account exclusively, so that all of you can get to know the true me and not some ridiculous troll.

Yours forever,

Tim Reid.

Facts about Tim Reid

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 00:45:20 GMT

I am a big time celebratie.
I eat 15-17 Hot Pockets a day.
I own a wildly successful two-vehicle limowscene company to support my Hot Pocket habit.
Women I Have Slept With : Jackée, Monique, Sharon Osbourne, and Shia LeBeouf
I have been bumped from the Tonight Show a record 13 times.
I collect child support from 2 different wives for children who have long gone missing.
Favorite Movie (that I haven't starred in): Cheaper By The Dozen 2
I have not seen Cheaper By The Dozen 1, but I was brilliantly able to follow and enjoy the sequel.
Favorite Movie (that I have starred in): Alley Cats Strike
Most Famous Movie Role That I Almost Landed: Smoochy in Death To Smoochy
Most Famous Movie Role That I Have Landed: To Be Determined . . .
Raven Symone sends me love letters biweekly.
My self-titled spoken word pop album comes out June 18th 2012.
I have the plot that is kitty corner to Anna Nicole Smith on layaway.
I have a light milk chocolate illegitimate son who is spreading untrue rumors about me on the internet.

Don't believe the lies - these are the facts.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 20:28:12 GMT